Letters to The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Scientists


"You guys are SICK!" (or something like that)
	Who would have thought that Twinkies would have generated so much mail? Besides the threats from the Twinkies Liberation Front, we also get some very interesting responses from Twinkie scientists (amateur and otherwise) from around the world. (We're upset that some countries don't import Twinkies. The time for revolution in these countries has come!) Responses are still pouring in. Some are slightly funny, some lame, some just strange. Then every once in a while we get a letter that makes us stop what we're doing, think a bit, and then continue to laugh, cry, and every once in a while call our lawyers to set up a restraining order. For all those out there with opinions to share, or at least a desire to write just about anything to get published on a webpage, here are our favorites of what you've sent in. For the rest of you out there not already memorialized here, keep sending us your thoughts, dreams, heartaches, etc. about Twinkies. It's comforting when we get mail. It makes us realize that there are people out in the world scarier than us, no matter what our mothers might say. We got a really lengthy response from Kevin Hames of NASA. Everybody has heard about the incredible shelf life of Twinkies (rumors abound about large stashes of Twinkies in nuclear shelters, etc). Who would have thought Twinkies could go into space? Thanks for sharing your test results with the rest of the world. I believe that your data will be very important to NASA's Space Station Program. We at NASA spend a great deal of time testing all objects that fly into space. Although the NASA community at large was skeptical that a Twinkie could be certified for flight, to the point of not even mentioning Twinkies as a possible food for astronauts, I personally believe that the addition of Twinkies to the astronauts' standard daily rations could spell the difference between an efficient, happy crew and full-fledged mutiny in space. Your test results should prove my case to the point where official flight certification tests can begin. The only problem I can currently envision is that our International Partners, when on the Space Station, will have unrestricted access to our Twinkies. Although the Cold War is over, some technologies are still restricted for export, per the Missle Technology Control Act. I'll have to check with the judge advocate concerning this issue, and although I believe in treating our partners in as fair a manner as possible, I shudder to think of the consequences arising out of unrestricted explotation of Twinkie technology in the hands of unscrupulous individuals. But how will they taste with Tang? We received many tales of other Twinkie incidents, some better than others. Most of them were about intentional Twinkie mutilations, but the occassional tale arose about accidental Twinkie mishaps, such as this one from James King: At a small overpriced college somewhere near Cleveland, there are people who eat in cooperative dining halls. A while back, maybe 8 years or so, there was a special meal prepared to celebrate their collective nostalgia for the sugary foods of youth. The breadbakers inserted surprise Twinkies in the loaves of wholegrain bread. Good idea, no? Once in the ovens, the loaves exploded in volcanic blurps of white creamy lava. Being educated people, they called the Hostess 1-800 number on the back of the Twinkie packages and explained their situation. They learned that the said pastries are, in fact, never baked. They are polymers with a painted dye on the bottom designed to mimic the golden brown of the oven. When Hostess was asked whether the Twinkies could still be consumed, they were told, "We would not recommend that." Bizzare. Of course, "golden sponge cake" sounds much more appetizing than "painted artifical polymers," so this story sounds wholy plausible. More to the point, it was sent to us over the Internet by someone who claimed to have attended a college (!) near Cleveland. This leaves no room for doubt. Nonetheless, as scientists, we are always trying to prove everyone is lying, so we called Hostess ourselves and they claim that Twinkies are, in fact, baked. They even asked, rather scientifically, why Twinkies would have leavening (that's sodium acid pyrophosphate, baking soda, and monocalcium phosphate to you and me) in them if they weren't baked. Somebody is fibbing here. We don't know who. Hey, who needs truth when you can cook? Scott Rakestraw* sent us a cool recipe. Remember, kids, cooking is just science that's tasty!* Twinkies Flambe 1 box of 10 Twinkies 1 12 oz. can of fruit pie filling (cherry in my case) 1 Bottle of brandy (must be better than 90 proof) Powdered sugar Put the Twinkies into a 9"x13" flameproof baking pan. Spread the fruit pie filling on top of the Twinkies. Splash a good amount of the brandy over the whole glop. Ignite carefully and allow to burn for several seconds. Extinguish the flames while they are still bluish (Ed: Although not verified experimentally, we cannot recommend fire extinguishers for this step). Dust with powdered sugar. Serve and enjoy. Being a chemical engineer (and a cheap student--brandy is expensive), I decided to partially distill the cheap brandy on my stovetop to enhance the alcohol content. The distillation proceeded just as it is described in an undergraduate textbook. However, I forgot about the ethanol-water azeotrope at 95% ethanol content (Ed: But we're sure you at home won't). So when I poured the brandy distillate on the Twinkies on the night of the dinner, the Twinkies rapidly soaked up 190 proof alcohol. I ignited the Twinkies to the pleasure of the dinner guests. When the flames were extinguished, and the guests were served, we all fell over backwards out of our chairs as the impact of 190 proof sponge cake sucked every water molecule out of our throats. Following recovery aided by huge quantities of KoolAid, all of the guests got comfortably numb by eating more modest portions of Twinkies flambe. Never one to fear the progress of science or open flames, we were going to perform this experiment, er, recipe, last Thanksgiving, when we remembered that we had invited Fire Marshall Stanowoski to our meal, and scrubbed our plans. Later on, we realized that we had actually invited Stan Marshall, who would have enjoyed this meal, as he used to be a fire-eater down at the local carnival. Regardless, let's all remember what Fire Marshall Stanowoski always says: "Kids, don't try anything at home! I know where you live!" But when Fire Marshall Stanowoski isn't looking out for our best interests, Valerie Lyons* is:* Twinkies contain polysorbate 60. The trade name for polysorbate 60 is "Tween." You can verify this in the Merck Index. Pure Tween looks like axle grease. Could this be how Twinkies got their name: TWEENkies? A mystery to be sure. Great truths often sound really goofy, so obviously this one is right up there. Next time we call Hostess, we'll ask them how Twinkies got their name. Of course, they'll only give us the official party line, but it's a starting point for our research into the real truth, which, we presume, is pretty close to our hunch that they're actually made out of the genetic material of twins. It just makes sense. Everybody knows that all those presevatives and artificial things in Twinkies must have strange effects on your body, but either they are very small or nobody has lived long enough to pass the word on, if you know what we mean. But we did get one note from Megan Donahue explaining some side effects that she noticed. A female relative, forever nameless, while 9 months pregnant, got a craving...She wanted Twinkies! She consumed (without barfing) 24 Twinkies, and went into labor within 24 hours. Hmmm. This is fascinating. Our first reaction on noticing the relationship between hours and Twinkies was "Wow! One Twinkie per hour!" I mean, come on! Have some self-respect! Being scientists, we quickly realized that each Twinkie eaten could not translate into an hour until labor, because otherwise, you'd have women going into labor instantly unless they continued to engorge themselves on those tasty snack treats - a scenario we're sure our friends at Hostess wouldn't mind. No, we divined that the relationship is an inverse linear one (duh). Thus, to cause labor in say, 10 minutes, one should eat 3,456 twinkies. We have alerted our local hospital to this discovery. Sometimes, you get letters that make you think. Other times, you get letters that are nearly illegible, in spite of the fact that they have been, we assume, typed on a standard keyboard. It is a rare pleasure when you get letters that do both. Richard Coberly (we assume that his name was spelled correctly) wrote us such a letter: Hi I bout(sic) a box of DingDongs yestrday(sic) and win(sic) I opend(sic) the box I found a have(sic) eating(sic) one my Wife and I ant(sic) to(sic) hapie(sic) about that We are, in a word, stunned. Is it poetry? Is it a secret code? For those of you at home who'd like to play along, don't read the rest of this paragraph until you've solved it. After pondering over this letter for longer than we'd like to admit, we realized that Mr. Coberly found a half-eaten Ding Dong in a box he bought yesterday, and, naturally, he and his wife aren't too happy about that. Perhaps this was a Zen moment he wanted to share with us. Perhaps he thinks that we at the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project run Interstate Brands Corporation, parent company to Hostess. We only wish it were true. Not wanting to destroy Mr. Coberly's world view, we took it upon ourselves to send him the half of a Ding Dong that we had not finished, hoping he would assume it was the half he noticed missing, and all would be well again. We await confirmation of this fact. Speaking of people who have confused those at the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project with the fine people at Hostess and/or Interstate Brands Corporation, we received the following letter from A Man Whose Identity Shall Remain Hidden if only to keep us out of any more legal trouble than necessary, and quite possibly just to be nice. While it's not unusual for those new to the Internet to assume we here are the people who deliver Twinkies, Ding Dongs, et al, to your doorstep, it is unusual for this to happen to employees of Interstate Brands Corporation. To whom it may concern: I am an employee of Interstate Brands Corporation in Xxxxx. The incidents were done by the Superintendent Transportation Manager, Xxxxx Xxxxx whose office is located in Xxxxx, Xxxxx. During the past several years, other employees as well as myself, have been witness to gross misconduct on Xxxxx Xxxxx's part. Such misconduct includes theft of company materials, forging expense reports, and using personal contacts to bill Interstate for work done by himself. He has bought several parts and materials with company money that he later used or sold for his own personal gain. At one location in specific, Xxxxx, Xxxxx, he had a storage room full of truck parts that he would sell on the side. Xxxxx has also scammed the corporation by using personal contacts in professional businesses, to bill the company for a job that was in fact done by himself. Most recent incident occured this past summer for the construction/carpentry work done for a new location in Xxxxx, Xxxxx. Although I can offer you no hard evidence, I feel certain your investigation into these allegations will lead you to the same awareness of company misconduct by Xxxxx as I and several other employees have been aware of for sometime. Please forward to Xxxxx Xxxxx, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer. (Mailing address deleted) Thank you for your time and attention to this matter. Well, we here at the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project were all ready for some good investigative reporting a la 60 Minutes what with the badgering and the bright lights and the hidden cameras, when we realized that more than a duplicitous transportation manager, what we really don't like is a snitch, and a lazy one at that. Why he couldn't mail this to the CEO himself is beyond us. And what's with all those x's??? Oh, wait, we put those in...never mind. You wouldn't know it from our copious commenting, but we really like a good minimalist message now and then. As you might expect, Lorne Davis* more than delivered in this case:* e mail me back piese saveing ok piese I don't think there's much we can say in response to that, except, oh, maybe, "what?", or "huh?", but even that doesn't come close to expressing what we're truly thinking. Hey, don't think that just because some of the letters we've printed on this page contain what could pass for sentient thought that we're sorely lacking in a good dose of absurdism, or maybe insanity, or perhaps just bad typing skills. Oh no! Diana Swiger, or perhaps several monkeys and their computer who use that as their pen name, related to us the following story: I realy injoyed(sic) your Twinkies and all the mean D/M things that you did to them. I am wondering, i used to know a wombat and peaple(sic) that were in wombat fandom that would show up at Disclave in the early 90 and late 80, was wondering if any of you ever went to sf convention in the DC or MD. All so(sic), just as a lark have you ever met a Tod Masco, at CMU in PA? we did a simular(sic) experment(sic), tho(sic) we used the Cheatreadal(sic) of learning at the bulding(sic...okay, I'm getting sic (sic) of typing sic, just know that we faithfully cut and pasted the letter in its entirety) that the twinkie was tossed off of. We never found the Twinkie... so we do not know its fate, tho we suspet that it might have been eaten by a starving Freshman. My name is Diana was from pa, used to miss spend a lot of time at CMU, with out ever being a student ther, but By mistake i hacked into the artifical intelegence program. ( it was not my fault.. some one left it open, and I made a stab at a pass word,,,,... ( like some one with a name of hobit would not use friend as a pass word.. or midded earth, or elf.. (you needed 3 to get in .. and i got all 3.. shjould have seen the look on his face.. he crashed the termanal and told me to leave.. ... but that is a nother story.. any way just wanted to say that I had the best laught I have had in a long time over the twinkie intelegence test.. I would like to copy it.. but am not untill or unless i can get permision from you .. Of course, national security interests dictate that we not give Diana permission to use the "intelegence" test, as she has already demonstrated an overly keen mind in what we refer to as "the hobit-hacking incident at learning Cheatreadal". Were she somehow able to duplicate our research and use the knowledge for evil, the implications would be devastating. We suggest that she use her powers for good, perhaps by helping those wombats she keeps talking about. Hey! Have you seen us mentioned in a newspaper and think we'd be darn proud to know about it? Are we the (blank) site of the minute, day, week, or millenium and nobody has told us yet? Do you have an amazing, funny, yet true Twinkie story, or, heck, at least something interesting to tell us? Are you an attractive, single female between the ages of 21 and 28 with a real "thing" for men who can write web pages? Why not mail us? Please note: Due to the large volume of mail that we receive, we cannot individually answer all messages. We do read them all though, and answer everything we get around to. Don't try too hard, though, there's nothing more pitiful than that.

Last edited December 4, 1999